Everything is coming up Milhouse lately. I'm constantly knocking on wood in fear that it's all going to fall over like a Jenga tower. Me and the Universe don't really have a great track record. I'm always trying to be nice and kind and a good person and the Universe is like "Hey lol at your shitty attempts to get your life together. Here's some unexpected trash you have to deal with. Have fun." So I'm going to ride this wave of mild happiness until I get eaten by a shark.
Motivation is so tough for me to feel in the past couple years. It could be the pills I take. It could be my own laziness or maybe something else completely. Whatever it is, it's really fucked with my ability to get anywhere in life. I'm actually a very creative person when I can get my shit together enough to produce anything from this blog to stained glass to perler bead sprites. I've always loved writing though. It's the greatest creative outlet(personal opinion) because you can express anything you want. Plus, with my awful sleep schedule it's great for me to just do all my writing at night. Everyone else is asleep and its the time I feel most creative. What does any of this have to do with anything? Well, I've started writing for a cool website called ComicBuzz. It's been awesome having things that need to get done. It's that feeling that I'm contributing to something and that's awesome for me. I'm renewed creatively in a lot of areas. It's time to start creating again. I have plenty of free time so the blog continues. I know you're all so happy to hear that! Please take a minute and check out the site, I'll link it at the bottom. Keep an eye out for my reviews. A big thanks to those of you who keep reading this blog. It really does mean a lot to me! Currently listening to: Help! by The Beatles. Fun Fact: I'm a huge fan of The Beatles ever since I was a kid. I Need You is probably one of my favorite George Harrison songs. www.comicbuzz.com These are a couple Adventure Time coasters I made for a friend the other day.
0 Comments
Last Thursday was an eventful day to say the least. I went to see my gastroenterologist at Brigham and Women's. The plan was to talk about how Xeljanz wasn't working for me and how my health has steadily declined since Christmas. We discussed basically how every drug I've been on has not worked and we're still a ways away from the next drug being approved. Because of this I'm back on Imuran which is a chemotherapy drug. It's not pleasant and I probably won't feel any better for 2-3 months which is pretty fucking terrible. I'll get back to this though because the real attraction of the story was what happened next. Both my gastro and my primary care doctors wanted blood work. I had prepared for that but assumed I'd be able to do it at another location on the next day since that's what usually happens. My doctor wanted blood right away at the hospital. I hadn't had much water to drink yet and I hadn't eaten anything yet either. I thought it would be okay,get it done and leave. Once I got in the chair and the lady pulled out 8 tubes for my blood I knew it was going to be bad. I don't have problems getting blood taken since I've been having it done multiple times a month for 14 years but this was just a perfect storm from the start. I also have small rolling veins and it takes a true pro to get one on the first try so I got the needle in the arm and move it around until you hit one move which already made me queasy. I made it to tube 7 and then just full on passed out. I remember getting dizzy and super sweaty, they kept asking me my name and where we were. Then I remember people trying to move me and then I woke up on a reclined chair with a bag of ice on my neck. It was seriously a terrible ordeal and I just wanted to get out of there. While this was all happening my dad was in the car taking a nap.
Back to the Imuran. I haven't been on it for about 8 or so years and I hadn't had too much success. It doesn't hurt to try again the doctor says. After only one day on it I remembered why I couldn't take it. My nausea is out of control making it even more impossible for me to sleep. My bedtime has been 6am since last Friday because of it. I've also noticed my hair is shedding more but I'm going to not focus on that because stress will make it worse. It's time like these when I seriously contemplate throwing all these pills in the toilet and just taking my chances. Unfortunately the last time I did that I ended up in the hospital having my colon removed. I just get so tired of this whole dance. The side effects on some/most of these drugs makes me not think it's even worth it to take them. I'm currently on 11 pills a day and still I'm having to go to the bathroom twice during one meal.What happens when there are no more meds to try? What happens then? I guess I'll know soon enough. Currently watching: Home Movies P.S. I'll be writing for a website called ComicBuzz! Look for my first piece soon www.comicbuzz.com and look for them on Twitter and Facebook with the same handle. Here's a picture of me from 2004 with my very first kitty named Posey. I miss her. ""We chase the melodies that seem to find us until they're finished songs and start to play when senseless acts of tragedy remind us that nothing here is promised, not one day. This show is proof that history remembers. We live through times when hate and fear seem stronger. We rise and fall, and light from dying embers, remembrances that hope and love last longer and love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside. As sacred as a symphony Eliza tells her story. Now fill the world with music, love and pride."-Lin Manuel-Miranda's Tony acceptance speech June 12th 2016.
I had been putting off writing a blog the past couple days because I felt my emotions were too strong in any one direction for me to say anything that could help to make sense of the events of the past few days. The problem with that is my emotions regarding the shooting at the Pulse nightclub will never subside enough and we'll probably never make sense of this. I've become too cynical regarding the state of this world, thinking that maybe we can never get back that feeling of safety. Maybe we've never been safe. I honestly don't know anymore and I'd be a liar if I said I didn't feel scared and sad and just utterly heartbroken. Then I realize that no matter what I say it will never bring back those 49 people who lost their lives. It will never take away the trauma that 53 others will feel for the rest of their days. Last night as I read news stories about some of the people that never made it out of the club I couldn't help but just sit here and cry. They were tears for the deceased, tears for the shattered families and tears for the amount of hate that people feel towards each other for being different in this country. I don't think I can express enough how damn sad it is. We're all different and that's what makes us great. The ability to feel love is an amazing thing and I really don't think it should matter who we're feeling it for. If you're lucky enough to get it then hold onto it and don't let fear mongering tactics scare you away from being who you are. I'm an ally of the LGBTQ community and an ally to love in general. I think if more people would embrace love we can possibly make it through this. The last thing I want to say is that I know I use this blog to write about the hardships I face through illness but last night with tears streaming down my face thinking about how those people will never be able to even worry about being sick I felt grateful to be alive. Grateful to be able to worry about such things, to see my family everyday and hug my cat. Make sure that you always tell the people you care about how you feel and make the most of every day and remember love wins. If you want to help please visit oneorlando.org Any donations would be helpful. It's been 4 days since my last blog. At first it wasn't intentional, I just happened to get home too late and forgot to write. Then I thought to myself maybe a blog everyday is too much? I'm thinking of keeping it to a few a week so you guys don't get sick of me. Honestly, not too much has happened in the past 4 days. I did some grocery shopping, went to the movies to see X-Men Apocalypse and went out to do some pop hunting. I'm trying to limit my spending so I can finish paying off my Disney trip. The best way for me to do this is by not going anywhere because as soon as I do I spend money.
I've been addicted to shopping for probably ever. When it's down to the wire and counts I can save money but man is it so hard to do. I just love buying stuff. When I'm sad or not feeling good because I'm sick or whatever the case may be, I buy myself something. And guess what? I feel better. It's an addiction as valid as any other and it honestly doesn't bother me. I can't stand people who think they know better about how I should live my life. A house and mortgage and all of that might be right for some people but that's not the life I want to live. I value experiences really more than anything. I'd rather travel and just figure it out later. And that might not be for everyone and that's ok, I won't force my lifestyle on others and they shouldn't do the same to me. As long as I have money to pay my bills then I'm all set. Lately I've had another addiction and it's been watching YouTube vlogs. We've(Aaron and I) been watching videos on YouTube since it launched basically but I never really got into watching people's vlogs until recently. There's some pretty cool content being created. I really like a few specific channels including TheTimTracker and TheDailyWoo. They're both daily vloggers so they've been uploading content everyday for more than 4 years which is amazing. The dedication that these people have to what they're doing is incredible. I've already shown that I couldn't write a blog for more than 4 days in a row. It's cool to be able to pull up basically anything you want on YouTube and find people who are just trying to put some positivity into the world. For some reason the spell check is trying to tell me that positivity is not a word. Ok then blog. Let me know if any of you have any kind of addictions in your life in the comments below! Currently watching: Scream the tv series Here's a picture of my feet from the other day when I got a pedicure. I hope I don't know anyone with a foot fetish. Feet are gross. I was thinking about what to write today and while checking my OkCupid app inspiration suddenly struck. I've talked about the things I've been going through with my illness as of recently and how I deal with it on a daily basis. Something I haven't touched on yet is how it can mold and shape relationships of a romantic nature.
Dealing with Crohn's just day-to-day is hard and messy and frustrating all on it's own. I've found it very difficult to just maintain friendships let alone any kind of romance. In the beginning of any kind of relationship I usually try to hide the fact that I'm sick. It seems like it would be easy considering on the outside I look like every other normal,healthy and functioning person. This plan works alright until you have to start explaining why you need to use the bathroom more than 3 times for possibly 5 mins each time in one hangout session. Or when you have to constantly explain why you can't eat popcorn or any kind of nuts and no it's not because of a nut allergy. The jig is usually up when I have to tell people I can't hang out because I'm in Boston at the hospital for a few days or that I'm having my 3rd colonoscopy for the year. And this is already super hard with people who are supposed to be your friends. I'm not saying everyone I know is insensitive or doesn't accept me but there are definitely some who I think really haven't grasped the severity of my situation. Now in saying that I do have to mention that I also have a few people in my life who have gone above and beyond for me,bringing me to treatments and doctor's appointments and for that I've always been grateful. Trying to just maintain a social life is already challenging enough and now try to add in dating someone and having to go through the whole process of explaining everything you're experiencing is exhausting. Not to mention scary because that person essentially has be accepting that I or anyone who is disabled has limitations physically and sometimes emotionally too. What's the etiquette of bringing up that you have a disability anyway? "Thanks for dinner, I had fun and by the way I have no large intestine." I'm not saying it's impossible to find this person but it will be tiring and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I obviously know that relationships are hard work even between healthy people and that the only way to find this person is going to be by looking. I don't think he's going to fall out of the sky one day but I'll admit I'd prefer it since it'd be so much easier. If anyone has any experiences or insights on this please let me know in the comments below! My final thoughts are that if I find that person that would be great. And if I don't I'm honestly not too worried about it. Heartbreak sucks anyway but that's another story. Currently watching: Jurassic Park Tonight's picture: I think it's clear that I'm just too picky. Even if nothing ever comes of using this app I will say that I got some pretty amusing messages out of it. I'm laying here watching Toy Story and trying not to focus on the amount of intense pain coming from between my legs/my ass. If that sentence was too much for you then you should stop here. As I explained last night I have an abscess and when I woke up this morning it ballooned to probably the size of a Brussels sprout. Now,it might not sound bad but you also have to imagine it full of liquid and throbbing. How's that for a visual? My day has consisted of boiling baths and heat packs. In order to get some relief I was told by my surgeon that he needed to see my pelvic MRI images before he can help me. I called the hospital where I got them and they failed to mention I needed to FAX OR MAIL them written permission to release the images to my surgeon. I made those words bold on purpose because 1.) Thanks for mentioning that way before and B.) As if this all isn't taking long enough I would need to send them fucking permission through the mail. I'm pretty fucking lucky that I can get my mom to fax that shit. Lucky but also unlucky in that I now need to wait another two days before I can send said permission since they didn't tell me until this afternoon. As you can tell I'm more than a little pissed at the situation. I'm just pissed and depressed at this point.
One bright spot for me in times like this is always Disney which is why I'm watching Toy Story and will probably marathon some other Disney movies tonight too. I've been trying to remind myself that in September it'll be time for our trip to Disney World and everything will be fine by then. My cat Misou and a lot of movie/tv binging looks like it'll be my life for the time being until I can get some help from the surgeon. I can already feel myself going a little stir-crazy. I'd like to write more but it's just tough to focus. Now I'm going to waddle to the kitchen and re-heat this heating pad and then take some Vicodin. To infinity and beyond. Today's picture is how I found Misou after I came back from one of my baths. Since this is my blog and I can say whatever I want I figured I'd weigh in on the Ghostbusters controversy. It's no surprise that in this day and age there would be a Ghostbusters reboot/update sequel whatever you want to call it. The big controversy for people came when it was announced that the cast would be all females and include none of the original actors. I think where it falls flat for people is that for years we were strung along by the fact that there were rumblings of a true Ghostbusters sequel featuring the original gang in the making. These dreams were dashed with the news that Bill Murray was in and then out multiple times and then of course the sad passing of Harold Ramis. Ok, ok, so you guys already know all of this because you're all so smart. So what's my opinion? I will tell you and I'm being completely honest here. I am in no way interested in seeing this movie. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's a female cast. My problem is that it seems more like a quick cash grab. Obviously I can't say for sure since the movie has not come out but sticking the hottest comedic actors at the moment in the roles which seem to be exact personality replicas of the originals just seems cheap. Will the plot further the actual universe or just be full of formulaic played out jokes? So far based on the trailers it seems like the latter of the two. I also feel like Melissa McCarthy is waaaay overrated. Sure she's been in some good movies but she seems to just be typecast in the same role over and over. I'm sure the movie will make tons of money and have 3 more sequels because people don't care about originality or quality anymore and that goes for a lot of movies not just Ghostbusters. Until moviegoers take a stand Hollywood will keep churning out bullshit for years to come. Maybe I'm forever stuck in a nostalgia haze and that makes me hate concepts like these but I'm ok with that. Just because I don't want to see it doesn't mean that others can't enjoy it and it also doesn't make me sexist either. People seem to forget that opinions are like assholes and assholes will always tell you you're wrong. Bottom line, sure some people might be boycotting the movie because they're women but not everyone is and we shouldn't be crucified and lumped into that category. Feel free to tell me why my opinion is wrong in the comments below!
Let's move on to the daily boring shit. Currently my tv volume is up to 20 which is actually pretty loud. The reason? My fucking next door neighbors who hold some kind of snake worshiping church in their barn are playing the loudest music ever. The snake part is pure speculation but I feel like I'm right because I seriously can't understand how they can play the same song for 3 hours and scream in another language. What the hell kind of church is this? The worst part is that it goes on almost every night sometimes until midnight. These people are crazy. Other than that I'm just relaxing. Gross medical alert for the next few sentences, look away if you don't want to know. I've been in severe pain today because of an abscess I have pretty much under my ass. If you don't know what an abscess is then google it because I'm not going to tell you here. Anyway, I had to sit in an almost boiling bath tub just for some relief. I'll be having a small surgery sometime in the next month hopefully to get this under control. This is just a small example of shit I deal with on a daily basis. I'm ready to relax for the night so feel free to leave me some comments and I'll talk to you guys tomorrow! Currently watching: Awkward. P.S How cute is this Ghostbusters plus I bought yesterday? It plays the theme song too when you squeeze his belly. SO CUTE. Happy June 1st everyone! I had a semi-interesting day which made me wonder about a few things. I'll get to that in a minute. First, I woke up at a little past noon today which I can do since I'm not currently working. It sounds great but it's really just because my sleep habits are sooo fucked up at this point that I'm lucky if I can sleep by 2am. I know when we work we all wish that we could do nothing. Speaking as someone who's been doing nothing consistently for a year,it's awful. You get stir-crazy,daytime tv sucks and you can only look at Facebook and Reddit for so long. At this point you might be saying "Alissa, why don't you just go back to work?" to which I say don't tell me what to do :) I will say with the utmost sincerity that if I could physically I would be there in a heartbeat. A lot of you probably don't realize this but if I could trade my situation for even just a year of normalcy and going to a normal workplace I would. I don't like this anymore than anyone else who might be in my position. But I digress. The rest of the afternoon was like any other, a quick shower followed by a few looks of disgust for the state of my hair in the mirror and some lunch. At about 3 I headed out with my brother just to be able to get out of the house for a few hours. This brings us to the title for today's blog.
Anyone who knows me in real-life knows that I work retail. A lot of my friends work retail. Basically anyone who works customer service knows that it sucks and we all constantly bitch about it. That's just a given right for people in this line of work. The long and short of my encounter was that I politely asked the cashier to not stuff two larger sized Ghostbusters plushies I found at Wal-Mart into the same small bag as they totally weren't going to fit and would have crushed the packaging. I wasn't rude about it and I said please. Since I know how customers can be I always make sure that I'm super polite to people who are behind the register. The lady had the worst attitude, she started muttering under her breathe and slamming her fingers on the computer screen. At the end she slammed my receipt down on the little counter and barely said anything to me. Aaron(my brother) goes next and decides not to ask for bags and she's all polite and tells him to have a good day. Honestly, what the fuck? Does she just hate bagging items because you might be in the wrong line of work if that's the case. Maybe she'd be happier at the supermarket where they have people for that. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because everyone has bad days, I get it because I've been berated and called a bitch and everything else behind the register too. I guess my point is that if you can't put your displeasure aside for your job then don't do it. Find a way to do something that makes you happy. /rant And now with that off my chest let's talk a little about my medical drama. So as I mentioned I have Crohn's disease. I'm currently not taking anything for it since the meds I'm prescribed called Xeljanz just seem to hate my body. I've been trying to take them since Christmas and I can't get past a week on them without getting an infection or fever of some sort. My doctor is kind of shoving them down my throat though since getting them approved on insurance was a bitch. I get it but if my body says nah then there's nothing I can do. Because of all of this my health is on the down slide right now. The good news is that I'll be seeing my doctor on the 16th. I constantly feel like a walking disaster though so I'm not super hopeful that anything will get resolved. And I think that's an alright place to end for today. Like I mentioned yesterday if you guys have any questions about anything for me leave a comment! At the end of each one of these I'm just going to do a small run down of things I might be watching or reading! Have a great night and I'll "see" you guys tomorrow. Currently watching: The Mindy Project on Hulu Currently reading: Starting The Girl on the Train later tonight! P.S Aaron's fiance says this is me in cartoon form so enjoy. For those of you who don't know this is Chloe from We Bare Bears. |
AuthorA closer to 30 than 25 female living with chronic illness. I've got an obsessive love for cats, Disney, video games and cats. My name is Alissa. Archives
August 2016
Categories
All
|